I have a habit of calling my friend Annette (usually when I’ve just finished a workout) and leaving little snippets of information on her voice mail. I call them tidbits, and like me, they are raw, unapologetic, and insightful. An example:
“Hi, it’s Nicky. So I just learned the pregnant girl who lives with her wannabe boyfriend in their car and comes to the gym to shower smokes Newports. Hm. I guess the baby craves mint.”
Basically, tidbits are my observations on life, an opportunity to share my wisdom and beliefs so others may convert to my way of thinking. They usually cover topics like etiquette (according to me), things that irritate me, or things that make me laugh.
Recent tidbits have helped me to understand that I am secretly a cranky elderly person. I was on the phone with my friend Jenn earlier this week, talking about events that have been pretty stressful in their lives. Nothing tragic, but as a mom of four she doesn’t need any extra weight on her shoulders – she’s got enough to worry about without adding outside elements over which she has no control. After we talked about what was going on in her world and established that while things stink right now, they will be okay (because they absolutely will), I was finally able to get down to business: why I think gum should be illegal. Because really, is there anything more important to discuss? Not only did I step in gum a week or so ago, but at work someone put their used, filthy mouth-chaw on the toilet paper dispenser, and I almost touched it. With my hand. Can you imagine the consequences should that have happened? And aside from all the gross characteristics of gum and the environmental impact of littering, I think people look stupid when they chew gum. It’s like treading water – what are you accomplishing? Does your jaw really need a workout? If you want fresh breath, try a mint. If you want clean teeth, brush ’em. If you don’t want to smoke, let me tell you friend, I was able to quit cold turkey after 15 years, so I’m pretty sure you can do it too. Your gum is nothing but a crutch.
Gum is just one of the many irritants in my life. Other recent pet peeves include:
- people who drive too slow
- people who drive too fast
- people who walk in slow-moving packs on the sidewalk at the Farmers’ Market when I am trying to GET SHIT DONE
- people who clip their fingernails at work (which is happening right now)
- people who come into the bathroom at work when I’m in there
I realize most of these issues may seem unreasonable, but they’re not. I promise if everyone followed my lead, I would be a much more pleasant person.