Here’s a sentence I never anticipated writing: I’ve had two too many encounters with feces at work in the past two weeks. Let’s start this conversation with a disclaimer – yes, I understand millions of people worldwide touch poop on a daily, even hourly basis. Parents change diapers, farmers deal with manure, and the blessed sanitation workers of the world never know what they’re going to get. I understand that. But those people are also prepared, and hopefully protected.
I, on the other hand, work in marketing in a middle-class midsize city in the middle of the United States. Handling someone’s bodily waste is not in my job description. Shoveling shit, yes. Creating and/or wading through b.s.? Check. But nearly touching dried up hunks of poop on a bathroom stall handle because some adult woman doesn’t know when her hands are covered in her own waste and therefore leaves a trail for me to stumble in? Not so much.
I am not afraid to talk about poop. But I am afraid to have someone else’s shit smeared on my hands. It’s flu season, for crying out loud! How does someone reach an age and state in life in which they can be gainfully employed but they are not capable of noticing their hands are covered in their own filth before exiting a bathroom stall? Color me curious.
The only good to come out of yesterday’s near-miss toilet adventure was a good transition into my next topic. First Twitter sensation Shit My Dad Says got a book deal. And now he’s getting his own sitcom. 27-year-old Justin Halpern launched his page in August of this year and currently has over 700,000 followers.
I admit, I was swept into the frenzy early on. Justin’s dad is exactly the type of elderly I hope to become. In case you’re not familiar with Twitter, it’s a social networking website where people provide updates/announcements in 140 character (or fewer) bursts. Justin pretty much just posts what his dad says, hence the name of his page. I could probably post the entire page here and laugh for hours, but here are a few of my favorites:
“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain’t spitting it out.”
“You worry too much. Eat some bacon… What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”
“Just pay the parking ticket. Don’t be so outraged. You’re not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked.”
“You’re being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That’s not exactly what I’d call “a lot to lose.”
Personally, I can’t wait for the book. I’m hoping it provides some back story on Justin’s dad along with page after page of his hilarious quotes. I love his no-holds-barred style. Why do you have to be elderly to be able to speak so freely without people thinking you’re a jerk? That’s one of life’s mysteries that I’d like to crack.
“You know, sometimes it’s nice having you around. But now ain’t one of those times. Now gimmie the remote we’re not watching this bullshit.”