Thanks to this morning’s news, my secret is out. I’m not a freelance writer living in downtown Madison. Nope. I am an undercover agent for the Russian government.
We’re everywhere, you see. Gathering intelligence at farmers’ markets, fastidiously dvr’ing city council meetings and taking copious notes, and scanning local Yelp sites for left-leaning sympathizers. You see, it’s 2010, and there’s a lot of sensitive information to be found amongst the school hallways and backyards of America. A lot of heavy sh*t man, and the Russians need it.
I spend hours watching cable news, meticulously detailing each and every state secret Wolf Blitzer spouts. Sometimes I even go on the internet and download locations of embassies, factories and vulnerable U.S. holdings. I know where every major U.S. government building is located, and thanks to Google I can actually see the buildings from the street. Sometimes I even troll Washington D.C. blogs to see if I can get the inside scoop on the political scene. This is all stuff I can only find on American soil, and it’s honestly going to give Russia so much dirt on this country – who knows what will happen?
Wait – I know how this will end!!! The eff-you will be an international time suck wherein Russia spends millions on training spies to live in suburbia and gather intel from the internet and at the same time the FBI spends millions observing, tracking and hauling in people it cannot arrest because they spent their time tracking intel off the internet.
Also, we’ll all spend the day reading about these stupid spy rings and forget about the millions of gallons of crude oil invading our shores every minute. Sounds like a win-win for everyone!